young_oldman | IC Inbox: Empatheias

[Oh he doesn't like the implied accusation there, that he's still going to avoid talking to people. It is hard work to win people's trust again though, and it's...fair for Alvin to be that cautious. Just as it's fair for the kids to be furious at him.

But there's a really good reason why he's been avoiding the crystal network, and even reluctant to answer any attempts to communicate with him. With all that's happened today his control over his emotions has completely gone out the window, and without any work to busy him with he's just been left alone with his thoughts.

Thankfully he's also emotionally fatigued right now, otherwise what Alvin would've got would've been far more intense. But there'll be a noticeable, unpleasant buzz at the back of Alvin's mind when Lu Meng responds to the ping; thick, sinking feelings of guilt, frustration and despair, shared through the link.]

Is there something I can do for you, Alvin?

[Of course Alvin notices all of this—and although he expected it it, it does hit a little hard. Still, he just keeps his own end rather calm so that it just takes in Lu Meng's emotions and disperses it rather than force it back.]

It's been a long day for everyone, so I'll just cut to the chase. Emizel told me what happened.

[However, there is no anger in his word—just a sound of query and attempt to understand what's going on.]

So what happened? Was it because of Sosyne?

I wish I could say it was so, but I don't remember what happened. I don't want to pretend I have no knowledge of it, or sweep this matter under the carpet. But I truly have no memory of what happened.

The last I remember, I was being attacked by a monster while I was trying to check on Emizel, Roxas and Shun.

[A painful pause.] It tried to break my hand. I was...reminded of what happened. And then my mind shut down.

Edited 2015-10-28 01:35 (UTC)

[...Oh boy.]

Yeah, definitely sounds like you had a major relapse. [A deep sigh.] To be clear, I never thought you would intentionally do anything to them, and I don't blame you.

So with that out of the way, how are you holding up? Or have you already dug yourself a deep guilt hole?

[Gee thanks Alvin for that last bit, that was very helpful. Emotionally he's spent, but the implied self-wallowing is enough to spark off that temper of his again, because if it's not guilt then what is he supposed to feel. Sadness? Regret?

And that...translates to a sudden zap around his hands, because haha self-hatred and self-anger manifests in so many different fun ways and with Interdiction around the effects on the object of hatred/anger is increased...which makes for a sudden sting not unalike ant bite.

And because they're sharing that connection right now, Alvin also gets a share of the zap. Whoops./small>]

[Ow—there's a wince from Alvin's end and a small hiss in half surprise as physically he reaches up to touch the side of his head.]

Okay, answer received. [Maybe said a little wryly, but with no real malice.] Look, Lu Meng, I know you're going through a rough time, but no need to make it worse on yourself.

Talk to me.

Sorry. [He replies hurriedly.] I didn't intend to send that to you.

...if you've got time to talk, then can we do it in person? I can't stop transmitting my emotions over the crystals.

[Pathetic, isn't it? That's why there's shame blooming deep in him that he can't stop these leaks...and Alvin should likewise be able to feel all that guilt and shame and discomfort that Lu Meng is likewise experiencing right now.]

[If Alvin were in Lu Meng's shoes, he might actually feel similar, or at least feel something about emotions becoming so transparent. Mostly because all his life he's bottled his own emotions and tried to hide them from everyone. So there's going to be a soft "wave" of reassurance, as if Alvin is trying to metaphysically reach out to give Lu Meng a pat on the shoulder, giving him some kind of calm support pillar to latch onto.]

Yeah, I got time. [Personally he feels like he needs a break from the drama that has encased the house (and probably literally given how this world works), but he doesn't say anything about his own issues or give away any hint of it. It's all Lu Meng right now.] Where would you like to meet?

[Don't they all need a break?

Where to meet though...too far and Lu Meng might not back it back before nightfall, and that is another new weakness of his that no one needs to see.

Eventually, he settles on the location of a small courtyard nearby his house. He sends over the location, visualizing it as an "X" on the image of a map of the city that he's memorized.]

Is this location alright for you?

[After a moment of studying—]

It's not too far—I'll be there in a few minutes.

Very well. I'll see you shortly.

[By the time Alvin gets there Lu Meng will already be standing underneath the lamp post. The courtyard and the surrounding houses were lucky; other than a fallen tree, it had escaped Sosyne's wrath.

When Lu Meng sees the other man, he greets him with a nod, mouth pulled into a thin, tired and tense line, hands tucked deep into his pockets. There's no need for courtesies between the two of them, which means Lu Meng can jump right into the meat of things.]

How's Emizel?

[...which of course, starts with the main reason why Lu Meng had wanted to see Alvin in the first place. He wants to know how the demon child is.]

[Before leaving, Alvin seriously considered bringing a bottle with him. Not for Lu Meng (although it may help who knows), but for himself. He knows this is going to involve some heavy discussions and he'd probably prefer if he had something to deal it with. But he opts not to, and as promised he arrives at the location within a few minutes. There's no reason to delay and really he can't even try to prepare for what may happen. He just has to try and be calm and give Lu Meng the support he needs—support that he's never really done before, but has learned through others.

He hopes he can pull it off.]

Apparently doesn't like baths. [There's a small, wry grin as he answers, now standing beside the man. He can see the lines, can see how worn out his friend is. It kind of hurts just looking at him. Perhaps that's the reason why he responded in such a lighthearted manner or maybe that's just how Alvin is. Maybe both.] But he's a tough kid. He'll be fine.

I'm relieved to hear that. [Lu Meng won't be soon to forget the outrage that Emizel had shot at him though. Conscious or no, what he did to the boy was tantamount to betrayal.

The hurt is more than just physical.

But it's fine. If Alvin is there, and hopefully maybe Elize, then Emizel will be fine.

...he's quiet now, shifting from one foot the other, uncertain on how to exactly start. Alvin wants him to start talking, but where does he start? How does he start? What should he say?]

...I don't know how to begin.

[Good question.]

How about starting with what you're feeling right now?

[Usually that helps spur things and it'll all eventually go back to the root. Also, Alvin is going to take this opportunity to find a place to sit or lean against something. Might as well get comfortable.]

...tired. Tired and numb. I'm just...exhausted, and very much so that I might even be able to sleep straight to the morning.

[He hasn't had a good night's rest for a very long time.]

[He's not even going to ask when the last time Lu Meng had a solid night's sleep.]

You should do that. Sleep the whole day if you have to.

I'm not much of an oversleeper, but I've had a couple of nights where I just slept like a log. Never felt more refreshed, especially after a stressful mission.

So what exactly is stressing you?

[A sharp bark of bitter laughter bursts out of his throat before he can stop himself.] It might be easier for me to tell you what isn't weighing on my mind.

[A twist of his mouth into a small, self-depreciating smile, before he drops the smile and brings a hand to his face, rubbing at his temples.]

Sorry. That was immature. Just give me a minute to gather my thoughts.

[He's sporting new bandages; the old ones had been burned away by the fire.]

Take all the time you need. [Although, just to be clear, Lu Meng is still more mature than Alvin, even in his current state.

But for now, Alvin really is paying close attention to what Lu Meng is saying and doing, staying politely silent as he waits. There's really not much he can do until Lu Meng starts talking, and while he could try a few techniques to coax information out, something tells him that he should let the man try to do it on his own first.]

[Eyes closed in thought and self-reflection, Lu Meng really requires Alvin's patience right now. All his woes, all his doubts and anxieties are interconnected, and to try and nail down exactly what plagues him in a summarized and succinct explanation takes a few moments.

And even when he's finally settled on something, he starts slow.]

...I am a self-made person. All that I have accomplished, I did it through my own hard work and effort. None of it came from any connections of any sort; in fact, I started on the completely wrong foot with many of the other officers in the army.

You know I killed a man in my youth. We joked about it during the party, but it was no joke for me to prove myself to the veterans and my peers that I was more than just that one mistake of mine. It was a serious military offence; if not for the graciousness of my lord, I would've been executed. But that error stayed with me for my entire military career; I make a bit of ruckus when I'm called "old man", but in truth it is a far more flattering nickname than what I was initially known by among the ranks.

So most of your life you've been trying to prove yourself?

Somewhat.

Most of my life has been spent proving that my lord's choice was the right one. He said he saw potential in me, and gave me a chance to redeem myself. I owe him, his family and his cause my life.

It wasn't just honing my strengths; I had to work on my weaknesses. My hair-trigger temper, my hasty and short-sighted nature.

[A pause.]

My illiteracy. I never went to school so I couldn't read or write. And because I couldn't read, I knew nothing about strategy. I never read the Classics, so my manners were unrefined, rough, and oftentimes rude, even if I did so unconsciously.

In short, my first few years in the army were very difficult, and I was disliked by my plenty of my peers who were envious of the confidence that my lord had in me. I didn't find favor with the higher ranks either; most of them disapproved of my lord bending the rules for my sake. I had no special merit or talent to deserve that mercy. And I still don't really have any outstanding talents.

But the important fact is that I worked at my flaws, one by one. And although I am as average as any man, I was driven, determined and stubborn enough to believe that as long as I strove to be the man my lord saw in me, I would achieve it. I had faith in my lord...and faith in myself.

[Hearing a young Lu Meng... It always intrigued Alvin since it's clearly how he was in his youth is starkly different from how he's grown up to be. In some respects, Alvin is the same, and it's testament to just how people tend to grow up. But it's not just some story he's hearing—he knows this is all part of what makes Lu Meng the man he is now, and so he tries to use it as a way to understand him and how it's affecting him right now.

And the most obvious is that need to prove himself worthy—to be a "strong" kind of person not physically, but mentally as well. To fit in. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but there are limits. And as proven here, Lu Meng has gone over it.]

And now you're feeling as if you're no longer that? That you've somehow slipped and let your lord down?

[He shakes his head.] No. My lord...both my lords, they are not here for me to let them down.

I had been able to overcome my failings. Yet now, there are days when I struggle to even muster a single joyful thought. Days when I am mired in this miserable state, and for all I struggle and I try there seems to be no end to it all. And the longer I flounder in this state, the more I upset those around me.

Everyday I try to tell myself that there will be a light at the end of all of this...but all my determination and hope have fled in the face of this illness. And without them, I am worse than useless. I am a weight that drags everyone about me down.

Well... [A small pause as he tries to think how to say what he wants to say.] Depression doesn't have an easy fix. It takes a while and you have relapses—constantly. In your case, you've been through a lot, and a lot of people don't even make it to where you are now.

[Another long pause.]

I think you also have to just accept it rather than completely fight it.

So I should accept that I'm a potential threat to those around me?

How have I become...this? Someone unable to protect those dear to me--and even worse. Someone who'd hurt the very people who have tried to help me.

How can I accept that?

IC Inbox: Empatheias

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