Lu Meng Ziming (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
young_oldman) wrote2014-10-11 10:23 am
young_oldman) wrote2014-10-11 10:23 amEntry tags:
IC Inbox: Empatheias
[Your birds might get a little plump on bird seeds. Just saying.]
young_oldman) wrote2014-10-11 10:23 am
2/2
Forget Sosyne. Piphron. Forget Elios. I've already raised a hand against someone who only tried to help me. That was all me. No Arehtei involved.
There is no control. I can only manage what I expose myself to. No darkness. No scissors. No young children. No tight spaces. [His bandaged hands are shaking as he raises them up for Alvin to see.] No contact on my hands or fingers. I can't even walk down the road where she took me away.
I've...I'm changed, Alvin. For the worse. I can work on these triggers, try to minimize what they might cause, but they will always be there. I will never be fully cured. You can ask the doctors, the emotional counselors. This is...There is nothing I can do to fully rid myself of this affliction.
[And therein lies the core of the matter. All that raging frustration, all that anxiety and stress and hatred and anger...it all boils down to the fact that for once in his life, hard work and determination will not fix him.]
no subject
Good.
He just takes Lu Meng's outburst head on, not moving an inch or even surprised. After all, he's not kidding himself to believe that what he says could actually help. Would be great if it did—make things a hell lot easier—but this was more of the reaction he expected. Not pleasant, of course, but he can deal with it. Better himself than someone else more fragile. (But seriously, Lu Meng, ever heard of a metaphor? Mean, come on, you're talking to a guy who knows full well how twisted and mixed up a person is. You can be sure Alvin is going to get onto his case about that later.)
More importantly, although not actually his intent, it made Lu Meng finally speak out about the true problem here. Made him actually release some of that anger and frustration. Good or bad, who knows, but it's at least something that he can work with. Maybe.
There's a long moment of silence as Alvin just stares at Lu Meng, as if taking in everything that was said and processing. Eventually, his shoulders slacken as he shifts his weight from one leg to the other.]
Well I think one thing's that changed for sure is your ability to comprehend what I'm saying. [Nevermind, just going to get to it now.] Seriously, did you even hear anything I just said or did you really get that stuck on my use of metaphors?
[Sighs and raises a hand.]
Call it whatever you want, but nothing you said changes anything. You're right, there is no "cure." There's no "easy fix button" that you can push to make things go away. That's not how life works. Everything you do sticks with you forever and what you went through may take years, maybe your entire lifetime. Even now I have nightmares of things that happened in my past, things I regret and things no kid should have ever experienced. Maybe not as extreme as you, but it's all the same. [He won't get into that, though, and he's stopping himself short from accidentally saying too much. Plus, it's as he said. As bad as his life has been, Lu Meng is still worse and the key focal point. Still, trauma is trauma.
A slow exhale.]
I don't know how else to say this, Lu Meng. You'll never go back to who you were, but you sure as hell won't be turning into whatever you think you will. No matter what happens, you're still you and you said it yourself—a man only has his actions and what happens now is what counts.
So what exactly are you counting?
no subject
And all I can count is the number of times I've put people in danger. I've broken one jaw and beaten up a child. If Emizel hadn't been a supernatural being himself, I may have well killed him. And Shun...even if I haven't laid a finger on him yet, I've still hurt Shun more times than I can count. Whether it's my silence, or him tending to me after the madness...it weighs on him.
A child shouldn't have to regard the well-being of an adult as his responsibility. Shun shouldn't have to burden himself with me. That's not right, Alvin.
no subject
Welcome to the "adults who have kids babysitting them" club, then. [Because he's had those kids babysit him for a while now, and they still do to a degree.]
If there's one thing my friends have taught me is that despite how they look or what age they are, kids are a hell lot smarter, stronger, and more mature than us adults. You're right that they shouldn't have to look after us, but have you considered Shun's feelings? What if he wants to help take that burden? Have you ever thought that he wants to help you? And have you ever thought that you actually need that help?
no subject
And if there's one thing I've learned is that children over-estimate their abilities. I may need that help, but it should not have to come from Shun. Yes, he has his cantus and that's a powerful tool for him to protect himself. But he's not trained to keep up with battles. He certainly couldn't keep up with the fight today. I'm sure if it was just him there, I would have injured him.
Shun thinks he can handle the stress of living with me, but I know it's weighing down on him mentally and emotionally. Even if it's what he wants, it's not what he needs. What he needs is a place where he can be safe, where he doesn't have to be on his guard at every waking second. He's needs a place where he can be happy and protected, and that's not with me anymore.
no subject
So he just closes his eyes, taps his finger against his arm, and then exhales before responding.]
The kid's what, fifteen? He can live on his own, Lu Meng—a lot of teenagers his age are actually qualified to work in this place and a lot of the ones from other worlds are on their own.
But if he needs to actually be with someone, then why are you arguing? Pretty obvious that either he moves in with someone or you move out and someone moves in your place.
I mean, you seem pretty happy on going off on your own already.
[Now he's really pushing it, some of that impatience and frustration seeping through.]