young_oldman | IC Inbox: Empatheias

[If Alvin were in Lu Meng's shoes, he might actually feel similar, or at least feel something about emotions becoming so transparent. Mostly because all his life he's bottled his own emotions and tried to hide them from everyone. So there's going to be a soft "wave" of reassurance, as if Alvin is trying to metaphysically reach out to give Lu Meng a pat on the shoulder, giving him some kind of calm support pillar to latch onto.]

Yeah, I got time. [Personally he feels like he needs a break from the drama that has encased the house (and probably literally given how this world works), but he doesn't say anything about his own issues or give away any hint of it. It's all Lu Meng right now.] Where would you like to meet?

[Don't they all need a break?

Where to meet though...too far and Lu Meng might not back it back before nightfall, and that is another new weakness of his that no one needs to see.

Eventually, he settles on the location of a small courtyard nearby his house. He sends over the location, visualizing it as an "X" on the image of a map of the city that he's memorized.]

Is this location alright for you?

[After a moment of studying—]

It's not too far—I'll be there in a few minutes.

Very well. I'll see you shortly.

[By the time Alvin gets there Lu Meng will already be standing underneath the lamp post. The courtyard and the surrounding houses were lucky; other than a fallen tree, it had escaped Sosyne's wrath.

When Lu Meng sees the other man, he greets him with a nod, mouth pulled into a thin, tired and tense line, hands tucked deep into his pockets. There's no need for courtesies between the two of them, which means Lu Meng can jump right into the meat of things.]

How's Emizel?

[...which of course, starts with the main reason why Lu Meng had wanted to see Alvin in the first place. He wants to know how the demon child is.]

[Before leaving, Alvin seriously considered bringing a bottle with him. Not for Lu Meng (although it may help who knows), but for himself. He knows this is going to involve some heavy discussions and he'd probably prefer if he had something to deal it with. But he opts not to, and as promised he arrives at the location within a few minutes. There's no reason to delay and really he can't even try to prepare for what may happen. He just has to try and be calm and give Lu Meng the support he needs—support that he's never really done before, but has learned through others.

He hopes he can pull it off.]

Apparently doesn't like baths. [There's a small, wry grin as he answers, now standing beside the man. He can see the lines, can see how worn out his friend is. It kind of hurts just looking at him. Perhaps that's the reason why he responded in such a lighthearted manner or maybe that's just how Alvin is. Maybe both.] But he's a tough kid. He'll be fine.

I'm relieved to hear that. [Lu Meng won't be soon to forget the outrage that Emizel had shot at him though. Conscious or no, what he did to the boy was tantamount to betrayal.

The hurt is more than just physical.

But it's fine. If Alvin is there, and hopefully maybe Elize, then Emizel will be fine.

...he's quiet now, shifting from one foot the other, uncertain on how to exactly start. Alvin wants him to start talking, but where does he start? How does he start? What should he say?]

...I don't know how to begin.

[Good question.]

How about starting with what you're feeling right now?

[Usually that helps spur things and it'll all eventually go back to the root. Also, Alvin is going to take this opportunity to find a place to sit or lean against something. Might as well get comfortable.]

...tired. Tired and numb. I'm just...exhausted, and very much so that I might even be able to sleep straight to the morning.

[He hasn't had a good night's rest for a very long time.]

[He's not even going to ask when the last time Lu Meng had a solid night's sleep.]

You should do that. Sleep the whole day if you have to.

I'm not much of an oversleeper, but I've had a couple of nights where I just slept like a log. Never felt more refreshed, especially after a stressful mission.

So what exactly is stressing you?

[A sharp bark of bitter laughter bursts out of his throat before he can stop himself.] It might be easier for me to tell you what isn't weighing on my mind.

[A twist of his mouth into a small, self-depreciating smile, before he drops the smile and brings a hand to his face, rubbing at his temples.]

Sorry. That was immature. Just give me a minute to gather my thoughts.

[He's sporting new bandages; the old ones had been burned away by the fire.]

Take all the time you need. [Although, just to be clear, Lu Meng is still more mature than Alvin, even in his current state.

But for now, Alvin really is paying close attention to what Lu Meng is saying and doing, staying politely silent as he waits. There's really not much he can do until Lu Meng starts talking, and while he could try a few techniques to coax information out, something tells him that he should let the man try to do it on his own first.]

[Eyes closed in thought and self-reflection, Lu Meng really requires Alvin's patience right now. All his woes, all his doubts and anxieties are interconnected, and to try and nail down exactly what plagues him in a summarized and succinct explanation takes a few moments.

And even when he's finally settled on something, he starts slow.]

...I am a self-made person. All that I have accomplished, I did it through my own hard work and effort. None of it came from any connections of any sort; in fact, I started on the completely wrong foot with many of the other officers in the army.

You know I killed a man in my youth. We joked about it during the party, but it was no joke for me to prove myself to the veterans and my peers that I was more than just that one mistake of mine. It was a serious military offence; if not for the graciousness of my lord, I would've been executed. But that error stayed with me for my entire military career; I make a bit of ruckus when I'm called "old man", but in truth it is a far more flattering nickname than what I was initially known by among the ranks.

So most of your life you've been trying to prove yourself?

Somewhat.

Most of my life has been spent proving that my lord's choice was the right one. He said he saw potential in me, and gave me a chance to redeem myself. I owe him, his family and his cause my life.

It wasn't just honing my strengths; I had to work on my weaknesses. My hair-trigger temper, my hasty and short-sighted nature.

[A pause.]

My illiteracy. I never went to school so I couldn't read or write. And because I couldn't read, I knew nothing about strategy. I never read the Classics, so my manners were unrefined, rough, and oftentimes rude, even if I did so unconsciously.

In short, my first few years in the army were very difficult, and I was disliked by my plenty of my peers who were envious of the confidence that my lord had in me. I didn't find favor with the higher ranks either; most of them disapproved of my lord bending the rules for my sake. I had no special merit or talent to deserve that mercy. And I still don't really have any outstanding talents.

But the important fact is that I worked at my flaws, one by one. And although I am as average as any man, I was driven, determined and stubborn enough to believe that as long as I strove to be the man my lord saw in me, I would achieve it. I had faith in my lord...and faith in myself.

[Hearing a young Lu Meng... It always intrigued Alvin since it's clearly how he was in his youth is starkly different from how he's grown up to be. In some respects, Alvin is the same, and it's testament to just how people tend to grow up. But it's not just some story he's hearing—he knows this is all part of what makes Lu Meng the man he is now, and so he tries to use it as a way to understand him and how it's affecting him right now.

And the most obvious is that need to prove himself worthy—to be a "strong" kind of person not physically, but mentally as well. To fit in. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but there are limits. And as proven here, Lu Meng has gone over it.]

And now you're feeling as if you're no longer that? That you've somehow slipped and let your lord down?

[He shakes his head.] No. My lord...both my lords, they are not here for me to let them down.

I had been able to overcome my failings. Yet now, there are days when I struggle to even muster a single joyful thought. Days when I am mired in this miserable state, and for all I struggle and I try there seems to be no end to it all. And the longer I flounder in this state, the more I upset those around me.

Everyday I try to tell myself that there will be a light at the end of all of this...but all my determination and hope have fled in the face of this illness. And without them, I am worse than useless. I am a weight that drags everyone about me down.

Well... [A small pause as he tries to think how to say what he wants to say.] Depression doesn't have an easy fix. It takes a while and you have relapses—constantly. In your case, you've been through a lot, and a lot of people don't even make it to where you are now.

[Another long pause.]

I think you also have to just accept it rather than completely fight it.

So I should accept that I'm a potential threat to those around me?

How have I become...this? Someone unable to protect those dear to me--and even worse. Someone who'd hurt the very people who have tried to help me.

How can I accept that?

Yes—but not necessarily going that far. [This is where it's going to get complicated. He stands there for a moment, lips pursed slightly before he just gives a shake of his head and just runs with it.]

Take me for example. I've kind of told you a few things about my past. Despite what you may think of me now, I'm not really that great of a guy. Traitor, liar, do whatever it takes to get what I need, even if it means if someone has to die for it. Including my friends and people who trusted me. [Mmm he definitely has a rap sheet. But he talks about this casually, as if he's talking about graduating high school, finding a job—like it's just another thing that happened in his life.] That's just the type of person I was.

But you don't see me like that now, right? [Holds up a hand in a half shrug.] Now, I could have just continued like that, but I didn't want to—just like how you don't want to stay as you are right now. On the other hand, I could have gone way over to the other side, like trying to repent and live with regret and guilt for everything.

[A shake of his head.]

Not my type of lifestyle, either. Instead, I'm a realist. I could either sit around and mope, or do something about it. And the only way to do something is if you accept the shit that comes with the sparkles. That's just how life is, and that's how people really are.

So right now, you have this "inner demon," this "bad side" that you're trying to wrestle with. You see yourself as a threat, but look around. [He waves an arm to the side.] Everyone is a threat, whether they know how to use a weapon or not, and this place is even worse. You're not the only one affected by Sosyne, and I know some other strong willed minds be influenced or overtaken. [Not going to directly mention Ludger, but that's a small allusion to it.] Hell, I know I'm a big threat. You saw me back at Piphron's pod. [You know, guns ablazing?] If I had been aligned with Sosyne, who knows what could have happened.

So I get that you want to be stronger so that wouldn't happen, that you want to be able to protect those you care about—I do. But you're looking at it wrong. You haven't "become" anything. I seriously doubt you actually want to stay like this, anyway. But if you continue to fear it and let it get to you like this, then you really will become something. Instead you have to look it in the eye and say, "Hey, I know you're there. I know you want to try and control me. But I won't let you. Instead I'll just let you sit right here next to me and see how I control my life." [...Wow, that sounded. Rather motivational. How far this man has come.]

That's what I mean by "accepting" it. Just recognize that this is a thing that can happen and use it instead of letting it use you.

...do you know how idiotic you sound.

[...welp. It apparently wasn't enough to motivate Lu Meng. In fact, it seems he's gone and riled him up instead. If not for Interdiction, deep cracks would've already started splitting the ground. Those spidery hair-line cracks are the best either of them can hope for.]

"Inner demons". "Bad side". Grow up Alvin. Those things don't exist! You don't separate a person into his good and bad. There's only a man, and his actions and what he does now that counts!

And you think I haven't tried to control this, this poison inside me? That I'm that pathetic to have given up at the first sign of struggle? I, who brought down the God of War himself when my own body was falling apart with every shudder and cough and breath?

[This is the first time he's ever referenced that one battle, that culmination of all his learning and training...and the first time he's hinted that he may not have come to Empatheias in good health. And if he isn't so tired emotionally he'd have been able to keep a lid on all his secrets and his emotions, he would've been able to keep his temper under control.

But perhaps, if he hadn't been so tired...he might not be so honest.]

You don't control this. You can't. When it happens, when you lose control, you're not even there to stop yourself. You just wake up and you see what what you've done, and you live with the knowledge that it can happen at any time. I don't need an Arehtei to throw me into that state. Even something as small as a child's laughter or the snip of a pair of scissors sends me spiralling into madness!

[And just as sudden as he had that outburst, does it die down. His shoulders slump, and then shake, and it's even hard for him to keep looking at Alvin right now because he's so ashamed of himself. His voice is low, and it cracks at points because he's just so broken right now.]

Forget Sosyne. Piphron. Forget Elios. I've already raised a hand against someone who only tried to help me. That was all me. No Arehtei involved.

There is no control. I can only manage what I expose myself to. No darkness. No scissors. No young children. No tight spaces. [His bandaged hands are shaking as he raises them up for Alvin to see.] No contact on my hands or fingers. I can't even walk down the road where she took me away.

I've...I'm changed, Alvin. For the worse. I can work on these triggers, try to minimize what they might cause, but they will always be there. I will never be fully cured. You can ask the doctors, the emotional counselors. This is...There is nothing I can do to fully rid myself of this affliction.

[And therein lies the core of the matter. All that raging frustration, all that anxiety and stress and hatred and anger...it all boils down to the fact that for once in his life, hard work and determination will not fix him.]

[One might think Alvin would flinch or want to take back his words. Instead, he only thinks one thing and one thing only:

Good.

He just takes Lu Meng's outburst head on, not moving an inch or even surprised. After all, he's not kidding himself to believe that what he says could actually help. Would be great if it did—make things a hell lot easier—but this was more of the reaction he expected. Not pleasant, of course, but he can deal with it. Better himself than someone else more fragile. (But seriously, Lu Meng, ever heard of a metaphor? Mean, come on, you're talking to a guy who knows full well how twisted and mixed up a person is. You can be sure Alvin is going to get onto his case about that later.)

More importantly, although not actually his intent, it made Lu Meng finally speak out about the true problem here. Made him actually release some of that anger and frustration. Good or bad, who knows, but it's at least something that he can work with. Maybe.

There's a long moment of silence as Alvin just stares at Lu Meng, as if taking in everything that was said and processing. Eventually, his shoulders slacken as he shifts his weight from one leg to the other.]

Well I think one thing's that changed for sure is your ability to comprehend what I'm saying. [Nevermind, just going to get to it now.] Seriously, did you even hear anything I just said or did you really get that stuck on my use of metaphors?

[Sighs and raises a hand.]

Call it whatever you want, but nothing you said changes anything. You're right, there is no "cure." There's no "easy fix button" that you can push to make things go away. That's not how life works. Everything you do sticks with you forever and what you went through may take years, maybe your entire lifetime. Even now I have nightmares of things that happened in my past, things I regret and things no kid should have ever experienced. Maybe not as extreme as you, but it's all the same. [He won't get into that, though, and he's stopping himself short from accidentally saying too much. Plus, it's as he said. As bad as his life has been, Lu Meng is still worse and the key focal point. Still, trauma is trauma.

A slow exhale.]

I don't know how else to say this, Lu Meng. You'll never go back to who you were, but you sure as hell won't be turning into whatever you think you will. No matter what happens, you're still you and you said it yourself—a man only has his actions and what happens now is what counts.

So what exactly are you counting?

And did it occur to you that using a metaphor that implies that my actions are the cause of some inner being that is separate from who I am, that somehow, what happened isn't my fault, that's supposed to help!? Don't condone my actions, I don't want that sort of justification!

And all I can count is the number of times I've put people in danger. I've broken one jaw and beaten up a child. If Emizel hadn't been a supernatural being himself, I may have well killed him. And Shun...even if I haven't laid a finger on him yet, I've still hurt Shun more times than I can count. Whether it's my silence, or him tending to me after the madness...it weighs on him.

A child shouldn't have to regard the well-being of an adult as his responsibility. Shun shouldn't have to burden himself with me. That's not right, Alvin.

[He so wants to once again point how stupid and literal Lu Meng is taking his words and then promptly ignoring the actual meaning behind them, but he just throws up a hand and sighs, shaking his head.]

Welcome to the "adults who have kids babysitting them" club, then. [Because he's had those kids babysit him for a while now, and they still do to a degree.]

If there's one thing my friends have taught me is that despite how they look or what age they are, kids are a hell lot smarter, stronger, and more mature than us adults. You're right that they shouldn't have to look after us, but have you considered Shun's feelings? What if he wants to help take that burden? Have you ever thought that he wants to help you? And have you ever thought that you actually need that help?

You say that like it's something to be proud off. Don't. If an adult needs a child to take care of him, then he has much to be ashamed off.

And if there's one thing I've learned is that children over-estimate their abilities. I may need that help, but it should not have to come from Shun. Yes, he has his cantus and that's a powerful tool for him to protect himself. But he's not trained to keep up with battles. He certainly couldn't keep up with the fight today. I'm sure if it was just him there, I would have injured him.

Shun thinks he can handle the stress of living with me, but I know it's weighing down on him mentally and emotionally. Even if it's what he wants, it's not what he needs. What he needs is a place where he can be safe, where he doesn't have to be on his guard at every waking second. He's needs a place where he can be happy and protected, and that's not with me anymore.

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opportunitycosts - 2015-11-24 08:11 (UTC) - Expand

IC Inbox: Empatheias

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