young_oldman | IC Inbox: Empatheias

[ Victim. The very word pulses a hate from him, another one of those short scoffs coming from him. The brickwork might not have so much to fear from Lu Meng, but it's another story with Red, despite the try at calm he attempts.

But no, that heavy heaving is far from calm. ]

I should've stopped. [ He should've known better, should've done things differently-- but his mind reminds him with a bitter, sick humour ] I stopped too late.

[ It still stings at his throat to speak, but Red doesn't care. A thin mist and smoke keeps covering him, over his arms like a blanket, a slight rustling coming from around his waist from the trainer balls there. He can hear them, but he doesn't dare to touch, keeping his hands where they can't destroy anything, just close against him.

Lips purse, then they release. His voice gets lower. ]

Why can't I let it go? We're both alive-- what about the people who aren't.

You didn't know any better. In your world, battles aren't through spears and swords. You couldn't have known in the first place.

[He's not going to get any closer to Red; he's not sure if the boy would want anyone to step any closer, given his concerns on his emotions.

And the images form only part of the entire picture. The name "Ludger" and the black figure doesn't ring any bells, but he recognizes Silver and the boy's red water serpent, as well as Milla, though which Maxwell is being referred to is yet another unknown.

Why the two boys and their Pokemon were in the town at that chaotic time Lu Meng doesn't know, but he suspects it's to do with all these young people throwing themselves into the thick of things and trying to help. But youth is rash, impulsive, and too often it lends itself to a sense of confidence and invincibility that, alas, cannot serve as a substitute for actual battle experience.

Red saw Silver and Silver's Gyrados injured, the latter probably fatally. Silver fell down from such heights, but from what Lu Meng observed of the boy shortly after Sosyne's Outrage ended, it's likely that Silver somehow survived. Red's source of anguish cannot be from having failed Silver.

It must be that name then, that rang in Red's head like a doombell. Was Ludger the man in the black armor then? That Silver later speaks of hosting a party with the same man that killed his beloved Pokemon would not make any sense...unless Silver has forgiven the man. As to why Silver would do so...well, Lu Meng can make a good guess. He knew Sosyne's anger had affected more than just one person. It's likely then, that this Ludger had been caught in the same rage-induced state that had enveloped Lu Meng as well.

It would explain somewhat, why Red continues to apologize and to wonder why he can't let go. But it's not the whole story; the emotions that Red have bottled up and tried to hide behind a smile speak of a deep hurt, anger, regret and guilt. Some of the words coming from Red are the very same ones that have passed his own lips as well. And then there's the matter of Charizard. He doesn't know who or what this Charizard is, but the agitation from those red and white orbs near his belt are a hint, and if Charizard is indeed Red's Pokemon, then...

Lu Meng's concern for the boy conjures up a soothing, warm wind that licks at the red mist crawling on Red. His own calm is probably helping to keep the brickwork from cracking even further, every new crack from the boy being sealed almost as fast as it appears. It sends a chill down his spine, to think of Red having to suffer like he has. And to think of why Red cannot let go of his feelings towards Ludger. But he has to know the full picture, or else he can't help Red.]

Red. Did that man, Ludger, kill you and Charizard?

[ Once the question leaves Lu Meng's mouth, Red's gaze snaps away, the rest of his head following to let his focus fall onto anywhere, anything else but him, and the answer that he wants. Yet it's fortunate that he's there, where his own emotion can mend at the cracks and the erosion Red's own cause-- and in that moment, where the boy's fear pulses outside of the bubble of the smoke surrounding him, turning into a pain that makes his hardened stare flinch with his eyelids squinting at the thought of admitting to any part of it.

Not that he had been even thinking of hiding it until now--and now, he wanted nothing else. If he ignored the man, ignored the question he gave and pretended that one or neither of them existed, then he didn't have to answer--and it was a compelling plan, one that would be so easy with his mouth already tightly sealed.

But it weighed on him too, just as much as his own body felt heavy to support, with the increasing silence telling him the folly of it. He breathes in through his nose, face grimacing at the attempts to find an answer that could still give him what he wanted, and Lu Meng too.

There probably wasn't such a thing. ]

How many people killed that day... [ His hands inch closer to each other, fingers sprawling out over the space of his stomach and chest, then moving to hide away with his arms covering the area completely like in protection. ] Who killed their best friend?

[ 'It doesn't matter,' he wants to say, the answer ringing in his head--not to his own question, which just works to make him feel the sting of such a scenario, but to the man's.

But his head then bows, a long moment passing before- ]

It wasn't their fault.

That may be so. But that doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel anger or fear towards someone that's hurt you so badly.

[He takes a deep breath. Red should know this about him, if they're going to talk any further about what happened to the boy.] I lost control of myself during that event and attacked three people that I deeply cared about. Two of them were furious at me, and I haven't seen them since.

I don't blame them for keeping their distance from me. I don't blame them for being angry at all, they have every right to do so. And no apologies I give will be enough to soothe the hurt I've inflicted on them, rebuild the trust I've destroyed, or erase their memories of a close friend and supposed protector doing the exact opposite of what he had sworn to do.

Edited 2015-12-24 17:43 (UTC)

[ He knows those first words well enough--hadn't he told Emizel close to the same thing long ago when he'd been in the same position with another? And it had come from a place of experience, where Red knew he didn't want to blame that man, but neither look him in the eye. Not yet.

But still, Red doesn't expect what follows. The confession doesn't get him to look, but his head does shift, listening closer than he had, or trying over the sounds of his own lungs at work that still produces the odd hiccup in his throat. He's not calm, still the area surrounding him a little sour for his presence, but it's not what it was. ]

They need time. [ It's a soft response, a volume that keeps. ] It wasn't you that day... that matters just as much.

That's right. They need time to heal. Bottling up their emotions and denying the validity of their hurt will not do that. It'll just cause their emotional wounds to fester.

It wasn't me that day. Just like how it may not have been Ludger. But you matter just as much as us.

You need healing as much as we all do.

[ The name--that name--makes Red flinch (why now after all this time, but there's something weird about hearing another say it), but there's just as much with the rest that gets him to withdraw in more internally than externally. There was no other way for him to do so physically, his body already close in against himself, about as much as he'll allow.

But he's silent now, at least in the way that's devoid of words. There's things he wants to say and could, but it would be repeating the same old tune (he just wanted to get over it, he didn't want to be this way-). A tune no less strong to him in meaning despite what sense the man does make, and still making most of its way up his throat, but he pushes it all back down, just keeps it in to the best of his ability.

He was being an idiot, and thinking that somehow made it easier a little to breathe at times. Just a little. The balls around his waist still shivered now and then, and there was the thin mix of smoke and mix, but they weren't as wild or as out of control before, as if following the wave of Red's mood as any emotional effect did. ]

Red. [He calls out the boy's name, gently.] I'm not the best person for you to talk to about this. I'm still struggling with my own emotions as well.

But you can overcome this. Just not in this way. If you continue on as you are right now, you're only going to reinforce your own negative thoughts against yourself, and you're just going to keep blaming yourself for things that were out of your control.

There are doctors that you can talk to. Emotional doctors. They can help you work through your emotions and help you figure out what you need to let go of what's happened.

[ Doctors? It's not even a thought that had occurred to him, strange to even hear, but it wasn't about to be one to settle now. ]

I don't need to talk about it. No one has to know. [ He swallows, shaking his head. ] This was just... it was just a fluke. I'm already getting over it.

[ Right? He was starting to let himself enjoy himself, trying to be a little more happy- ]

There's a world of difference between finding closure and stifling your emotions.

[Take it from him Red. He had to learn this lesson the hard way.]

One helps you move on. The other only buries your hurt deeper within you.

It's alright if you're not ready to talk now, but don't disregard dialogue as an option. The therapists at the hospital will keep all their discussions with you confidential, if you're worried about what Silver will think of you.

I'm not. [ It comes after a moment, the same one that he seems conflicted by the words, but that much comes to mind. And then, another pause. ] He's happy... I won't get in the way of that.

[ For him or the man he and Alvin cared about, as best as he could. It was a big city, and there was no reason for them to see each other. Not really.

And that was an easier decision than that of doctors, hospitals or therapists, when he only knew those things when it came to illnesses and broken bones. ]

I understand that desire. You wish to be a good friend to Silver, to keep your conflict away from him so that he can remain happy, even if it comes at your own expense.

But it's a risky gambit to take, Red, with unpleasant consequences for you and for your friends should they find out that you've been putting this burden solely upon yourself. [He spent the entire month of Exi (aka September) being yelled at by people for not being open about his problems, and strained his relationships with two of the kids he cares about. Oh, and Sosyne happened, which was the straw that broke the camel's back.]

Will you not consider at least speaking to someone completely unrelated to any of the parties involved?

[ Would he? It's a consideration that chills at his arms, and there's a few many reasons that his mind can make him believe he has against the plan, but he doesn't let them stay the only voice. It's an awkward pause, his breathing still deep through it. ]

I...don't how to... [ It sounds stupid, and there's a squeeze of frustration on his features at he tries to figure out how to explain it. But how would the 'I've never done it before...I've never talked to a doctor about this kind of thing' in his head be any better or useful, or less humiliating to admit?

It's a worry that stays short-lived however, when Red realises that his thoughts might not be so private as he would like, and he feels that heat of embarrassment on his skin that he'd been trying to avoid, his mind finally attempting to shut away that connection, just in case it still existed. ]

It isn't easy. [Even after a few months of therapy, Lu Meng still finds it hard to open up about his fears and insecurities. Living with an emotional health caretaker has definitely helped in that regard, but really, he owes a lot of his improvement right now to Sanae and Alvin. These two have seen him at his worst but instead of judging him and deeming him weak, they became his pillars of support, the voices of reason against the dark despair within him.

It's really only to these two that Lu Meng is willing to air his true thoughts. He can't do it fully with anyone else, not without fighting back that evil voice in his head that whispers about how weak he's become, about how he's shamed his lord and his teachers.]

It took me months and I still struggle with accepting that I'm no less a man for confessing my fears and my insecurities. I was brought up to believe that such things are a weakness. That a strong man is one that ignores such emotions and keeps them within, to not bother those around him.

It turns out that it's far harder to openly confront your emotions and to share them with others. But it can be done. I promise.

[ Red breathes, but it's perhaps the first one that isn't entirely drawn out, and while it trembles so does the rest of him, shakes that aren't going to leave his body yet. He doesn't think just on the off-chance it's not safe, but that leaves a feeling like a wall in his head, where saying anything becomes harder.

Ugh. ]

...I'll think about it. [ Up a hand goes, wiping away at his face, blotchy yet drained on colour in the places red doesn't speck it. ] I'll...I'll see if there's anyone.

IC Inbox: Empatheias

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