young_oldman | IC Inbox: Empatheias

[Lu Meng nods.] Yes, they did indeed. [But other than agreeing with him, Lu Meng waits for Roxas to finish his piece. He's giving the stage to Roxas right now because the kid must have lots to say, and Lu Meng would rather hear it out first before making any comment or statement of his own.]

Please, don't be afraid to speak what's on your mind.

[Roxas nods, and takes a breath, thinking back to his talk with Athena. He hadn't really planned on it, but maybe saying the same thing he told her would be the right away to go. He just had to get his feelings out, without tripping over his words.]

Okay.

The thing is. Back where I'm from, I have a friend, Axel. He took me under his wing when I didn't really know anything about the world. And one of the biggest things he taught me was about friendship, and how important it was to trust your friends, because they'll always be there for you. So you could go to them for anything.

And then, when...when everything happened, and you were pushing people away and that kinda went against what I knew, and I just didn't get it. I thought it was really stupid. [And still does to some extent.}

And I guess I just want to know why.

Edited 2016-02-15 04:31 (UTC)

...right. [Lu Meng turns quiet and thoughtful, and for a moment there's only the sound of the waves breaking against the shore.

Eventually he takes a breath of his own. The first step to repairing any distrust is honesty, and Lu Meng owes that and a proper explanation to Roxas.]

There are three angles to this. But the first would be quite simple.

I was afraid. [He says simply, his gaze not leaving Roxas's.] My emotions were outside my control, and I feared what they could do to you. And...there was something very wrong with me at that time, Roxas. Something I didn't understand, but was causing me to lose control of my very mind. During those moments, I would lose consciousness and my body would lash out at anyone near me, perceiving them all as threats.

I ended up attacking three nurses at the hospital while they were trying to help me, and I badly injured a very good friend of mine. [His voice is remorseful but calm and steady, and compared to the last time they met on the beach there's hardly a storm brewing anywhere. Months of therapy and practicing dunamis has helped incredibly.]

There was much I didn't understand, and what I did know, did not help. Where I come from men were expected to be able to control their own emotions and temper. It had taken me years to master my own hot temper, but I obtained that control on my own, through hard work and determination.

But after I returned I lost that control. Having once gained it by myself, I tried to find my way again. I did not know that my mind and heart had been damaged, and thus when I could not control myself...I thought I simply needed to try harder. That if I had enough determination I could handle my emotions once again.

Lastly, I did not want for any of you younger ones to get involved with my troubles. I'm not going to mince my words on this; I was very ill. I was so ill I needed an emotional therapist to stay with me for a few months because I could not be trusted to live on my own. You, Emizel and Shun should not have to carry the burden of trying to help me get better. It was already an error for me to have allowed Shun to stay for a month after I returned; I understand his concerns, but I knew that looking after me was draining him, physically and emotionally. While he could take care of himself he still had to be constantly on his toes in case I lost my mind and attacked him. I needed professional help, and I needed the security that whoever that's going to help me was able to handle that level of stress.

But I know there were other ways I could have gotten your help. Ways that would not require you to put yourself in harm's way, and ways I would not pursue partially because of my fear, and partially out of my pride. I admit that I let out my frustrations on everyone that tried to help me. And I regret with all my heart that I drove you away that day. If I could take back my words and do everything over, I would. But wounds were still fresh when I fell to Sosyne's anger, and again I had attacked those I cared for.

Your anger, your distrust, your disappointment, even hatred, if that is what you feel, I deserved all of them. There are not enough words in all the worlds to convey exactly how sorry I am to have hurt you.

[It is a lot to take in, and typically, Roxas doesn't respond at first. Though he wants to, several times, mostly just reactions. But there is a part of him that wants to let Lu Meng finish, and for once he listens to that part.]

I never actually hated you.

I just --

[He's not really sure what to say next. There's a million things that he could say. That he's stronger than he looks, that that's what friends are supposed to be for, but it seems like everything has been said or realized, so instead he just defaults to looking at the ground.]

You were hurt by my actions, and they caused you to rethink our relationship. [Lu Meng finished Roxas's sentence.] I don't blame you for it. And I certainly won't blame you if you choose to leave now.

I'm really sorry all of this transpired, Roxas. I had...hoped that I could spare you from any fallout from my problems. But it seems I only sunk you into them, and hurting you, Shun and Emizel, has been one of my deepest regrets ever since. I wish I made different choices. But I can't, and all I can offer now is my sincerest apologies, and a promise that if you are willing to have my presence back in your life, as undeserving as I am...I promise that I won't make this kind of gross mistake ever again.

I will never be willing to let you get into harm's way because of me. You speak of friends who are willing to bear each other's burden, but to me you are not just a friend. You are someone that is more important to me than just a friend. Perhaps it's overly forward of me...but I viewed our bond to be closer than that. Closer to something like, like family. [The word was nearly stuck in his throat, but he forces it out.] But in treasuring you to that extent I treated you wrongly, I realise that now.

I promise that I will never, ever push you away ever again. And if my promises are not enough then that too I understand, for a broken vase will always have its cracks, and trust lost is not so easily gained again. But I want you to know that I will never think poorly of your decision, and that if you ever need me I will be there for you. My door is and will always be open for you.

[Family is something Roxas has a very loose connection to. He gets the concept but it's something he's only experienced through Sora's memories. Memories that are decidedly not his and that he actively tries to keep separate from himself. It's part of why he regards friendship and friends so highly, because it's his and what he knows.

Needless to say, he's not really sure what to make of that confession, but he can understand its importance (even though the idea of something beyond friend is still a foreign one to him).]

I...I think I can accept that. But it's gotta go the other way to. I'm stronger than I look, so I'll be there for you.

IC Inbox: Empatheias

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CW: Mentions of Physical Violence

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